The Truth Served Cold

Dude, what the fuck!?  There is no single item on earth more unflattering to the human body than goddamn fucking skinny jeans. They’re worse than empire waist tops, flat shoes, man-thongs (with or without crotch stuffing), Castro hats, and all the shit that came out of the 1980s.

Look at Figure 1 above. If you’re a heterosexual man, you did what we hetero men always do when we see a picture of a woman who isn’t fat: you imagined what it would be like to have sex with her. Anybody notice any similarities between the emaciated frog-bitch pictured above and, say, any household items you might happen to have lying around?

That’s right fellas – Miss AwkardPants is just waiting to slice your cock off during an imaginary sexual escapade about as enjoyable as having your asshole introduced to the business end of Ron Jeremy’s penis on a hot day. White people have pulled a lot of shit in the past, but one of the most enraging habits they have is to celebrate instead of scorn or apologize for their more annoying and oppressive traits/history/customs/etc. Examples include:

• Thanksgiving
• Columbus Day
• Redneck Culture (remember when trucker hats came back?)
• Flat asses

The flat asses is where the skinny jeans come in. For the past few years, the bull hormones or whatever the hell else Americans have been swallowing in our incredibly overprocessed food has led a remarkably large number of white women to actually start developing asses. And not the big sloppy trailer park ass that used to be as close as whitey could ever get. No, they were actually developing REAL asses (that never quite approached the best of black women’s asses, but they were still fun to grab, so black men told them otherwise so it’d be easier to sleep with them. White women are surprisingly susceptible to empty flattery).

Right when they were making some progress, though, they decided to spitefully wrap a big warm white hug around the pancake ass. Now instead of peeking at an increasing amount of acceptable white booty, I instead find myself cringing at the (uncontrollable and immediate) thought of having sex with razor blades and other sharp objects when seeing some underfed bulimic Kate Moss lookalike struggling not to be blown into outer space by the next stiff breeze.

But wait. Just when you thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse…

MALE skinny jeans are the reason I actually started writing this shit in the first place. Everytime I walk by the Verizon Center, I run into an entire platoon of BLACK DUDES wearing these goddamn pants. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about a man wearing skinny jeans that screams “I’m a fucking AIDS victim!”

You never see the male skinny jeans wearer by himself. He’s always with an entire flock (I’d say ‘pack’, but that’s a term more manly than these douches deserve) of 90-pound dudes wearing skinny jeans, white belts, hoodies, and Converse sneakers. They look like Emo dudes with a lot less food and a lot more gay, powering themselves up by talking loudly, confusing their eyes with their clashing colors, and flinging their ambiguous sexuality at everybody.

For every guy wearing skinny jeans, there is an angry father somewhere yearning to punch his ’son’ in the fucking face.

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