The Truth Served Cold

I didn’t realize just how awful the gym (or more accurately, the people in it) is until my trip to the local Gold’s Gym last night.  There’s some fairly ridiculous egotistical behavior that goes on when people work out, but for the most part I’ve been willing to overlook the flaws of others . Then last night I saw something that set me over the fucking edge:

I was taking a rest from a set of arm curls and gazing blankly over the railing. There was a relatively scrawny white dude running at about 7mph on a treadmill when a dude bearing an eerie likeness to Mario Lopez jumps on the treadmill next to him and turns the fucking thing up to like 15mph. He is running on his heels and making an incredible amount of noise. I turn away and do another set of curls to the rhythmic tune of Mario Lopez destroying his knees. After resting for 30 seconds and getting ready to start another set, I see Mario Lopez bring his treadmill to a halt, turn to the little white guy and say, I shit you not:

“You need to pick up the pace, buddy! You’re gonna be a waif forever at that speed, DUDE.”

…and walks away. I nearly vomited.

Seeing this asshole reminded me of all the different types of people in the gym that need to die, and I’m going to list them all right here and right now before I lose my fucking mind.

Asshole #1: Spin Top

This is the guy who is 300lbs of solid muscle from the waist up and is 15lbs of bone and tendon below the waist, thus giving him the appearance of a spin top. In spite of his femoral shortcomings, this motherfucker thinks he’s the baddest guy in the gym because he can bench press twice his own weight for reps. He wants you to ignore the fact that his legs are buckling under the weight of his massive torso (and narcissism), which is why he’s always a.) sitting down looking at himself in the mirror and b.) wearing long pants.

Asshole #2: The Man Moaner/Screamer

Every now and again you’ll get a guy in the gym who simply must let everyone know just how difficult each and every rep is. That’s when you’ll be minding your own business and hear some idiot bleat out “uuuuuuuuUUUUNNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHH” like somebody’s shoving a pineapple up his ass and he’s kinda enjoying it. That’s the Man Moaner.

Then there’s the guy who sounds like he’s having a pineapple shoved up his ass, but he isn’t enjoying it at all. That’s when you hear the “AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” of the Man Screamer. This asshole is usually wearing one of those stupid leather weight belts, a raggedy baseball cap worn backwards, a severely undersized wifebeater that’s struggling to cling to his body, and really really really tight biker shorts. You’ll also notice the blood vessels in his neck, forehead, and forearms to be inordinately large, which is why women often mistake his penis for a ramen noodle.

Asshole #3: Leather Girl

Figure 1- Has a bigger dick than me

This is the white girl with an inordinate amount of muscle and orange skin with the texture of an old leather wallet. All these chicks look the same: between 5′4″ and 5″8″, thin muscular build, orange skin, freckles, Underarmour workout gear consisting of the tummy-revealing top and tight pants that flare out to bell bottoms at the mid-calf, etc. They’re almost always brunette, but you’ll get the occasional blond and even redhead.

You are convinced that these chicks LIVE in the gym, because everytime you’re there…they’re there. They will be there when you arrive, and they will be there when you leave. When you come back three hours later because you left something in a locker, they’re STILL there. When you drive past the gym on the way to work in the morning, they’re hanging dormant by the ankles from the building’s rafters waiting for the gym to open. If you’re a guy you briefly think about trying to have sex with one of them. But then you realize that she kinda looks like a man, and she probably feels like sandpaper on the inside.

Asshole #4: Unnecessary Stretching Girl

Figure 2- Cruel Bitch

There’s always that motherfucking chick in the gym contorting her body into positions that are as senseless as they are impractical. Typcially, these poses are flagrantly sexual, and the guys in the gym have to fight themselves to keep from ogling her and thinking about how she’d look in that pose naked and on top of you.

This girl is not a gymnast, she is not in training to become a gymnast, nor does she even know what gymnastics is. All she’s doing is placing her butt and vagina into positions that make you say “hmmm…” and waiting for the opportunity to catch you checking her out so she can get indignant and pretend to have no idea why you would possibly be staring at her.

Asshole #5: The Bold and the Bare-Chested

You don’t usually see this in public/membership gyms…..only private ones….you’re going to see some fucker on the equipment with his goddamn shirt off. For some reason, it’s never the hot chicks with the big boobies that exercise bare chested – it’s always some nasty old dude with leathery skin and more hair on his chest than any normal man has on his entire head and body.

These people leave a cubic meter of sweat on whatever machine they were using. They wipe themselves off with a towel, but never EVER the equipment. Guess they figure a little man juice marinating on the recumbent bike will make everyone else stronger. I’m going to start putting itching powder, sulfuric acid, and leeches all over the equipment in the gym. Bare skin will be punished quickly and with extreme prejudice.

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.